How You Can Help Someone Who Is Grieving Written By: Crystal Gerlock , LCSW

When someone you care about is grieving, it’s natural to feel unsure about what to say or do. You might worry about saying the wrong thing or wish you could take away their pain. While we can’t erase another person’s grief, we can walk beside them through it. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a leading voice in grief education, teaches that the most important thing we can offer isn’t advice—it’s compassionate presence.

1. Understand that grief is a natural response to loss:

Grief is not something to “get over.” It’s a normal, necessary process that helps people heal. Everyone experiences grief differently. Some cry, some stay quiet, some keep busy, and others may withdraw for a while. According to Dr. Wolfelt, grief is both emotional and spiritual—it touches every part of a person’s life. Recognizing this helps us be patient and supportive rather than trying to rush someone’s healing.

2. Be a companion, not a fixer:

Dr. Wolfelt often says that what grieving people need most are “companioners,” not people who try to rescue them. A companion listens more than they talk. They sit with pain instead of trying to make it disappear. You don’t need to have the perfect words; in fact, simple presence often speaks louder than advice. Just saying, “I’m here for you” or “I care about you” can mean more than any well-meant lecture or pep talk.

3. Listen with your heart:

When someone opens up about their loss, the greatest gift you can offer is your full attention. Put away distractions. Avoid changing the subject or offering quick fixes like, “Everything happens for a reason.” Instead, use gentle invitations such as, “Tell me about them,” or “What’s been the hardest part lately?” Listening allows the grieving person to feel seen and heard—something many people desperately need in times of loss.

4. Accept their emotions, whatever they are:

Grief brings a flood of emotions—sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, even moments of laughter. All of these are normal. Dr. Wolfelt reminds us that emotions are the language of grief. Letting someone express their feelings without judgment helps them move toward healing. Don’t tell them to “stay strong” or “move on.” Instead, give them permission to feel however they feel for as long as they need.

5. Offer practical help:

People in grief are often exhausted, overwhelmed, and may not know how to ask for support. Offer specific help rather than general offers like “Call me if you need anything.” You might bring a meal, mow their lawn, help with paperwork, or drive them to an appointment. Even small gestures can ease the burden and remind them they’re not alone.

6. Remember that healing takes time:

Grief doesn’t follow a straight line or a timetable. There will be ups and downs, and anniversaries or holidays may trigger fresh waves of pain. Continue to check in—weeks, months, or even years later. A simple text or card that says, “Thinking of you today” can mean a great deal long after the funeral is over.

7. Encourage them to find ways to honor their loved one:

Part of healing, according to Dr. Wolfelt, involves “mourning”—expressing grief in outward ways that give meaning to the loss. Encourage your friend or loved one to share stories, create a memory book, plant a tree, or participate in a cause that reflects their loved one’s life. These acts keep the bond alive while allowing the person to gradually move forward.

8. Take care of yourself, too:

Supporting someone through grief can be emotionally draining. Make sure you also have support—a trusted friend, counselor, or faith leader you can talk to. Taking care of yourself allows you to stay present and compassionate without becoming overwhelmed.

In Summary: Helping someone who is grieving is not about finding the right words or “cheering them up.” It’s about showing up, listening deeply, and walking beside them through the pain. As Dr. Alan Wolfelt teaches, healing happens when people feel safe to express their grief in the presence of someone who cares. You can be that safe presence simply by being kind, patient, and real. Grief is love that has nowhere to go—but when we offer our presence, love finds its way to healing.

(Based on the teachings of Dr. Alan Wolfelt)